she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
You took a bar mat shot.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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