yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
