the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize