I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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