Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
