weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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