im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
