just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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