Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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