My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
They took my balls.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
