Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
