8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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