wanna go halves on a baby?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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