I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
