he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
