I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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