no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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