My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
my being single is dangerous.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Randomize
