Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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