i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
