Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
