U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
