His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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