He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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