Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
