i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
In other news, I just burned my penis
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
