I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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