Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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