He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
