I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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