Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
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