I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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