Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
