I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
