I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Randomize
