I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
