at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
