So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
