We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
