yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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