I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
