I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
