You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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