His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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