Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
