If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
