I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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