I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
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