I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
