hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
