We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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