You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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