the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
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