In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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