if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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