if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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