The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
stop calling my apartment porn island.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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