did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
