the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
