WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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