I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
