Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
